The Livingston County Chess Club meets every Monday night between
4pm and 10pm
at the Buffalo Wild Wings in
the Green Oak Mall in Brighton, MI.
Stop in for some friendly chess, good food and 'refreshments'.
Everyone of all ages and playing strength are
welcome to attend. And free lessons to all beginners!
The road construction – at least on the bridge going to and from
the Mall is completed. Of course the rest of the State of Michigan appears to
be in a complete “road repair” mode – IN EVERY DIRECTION!
Eh, thank you? But I digress. To lighten the mood because of our
travel problems currently, let me give you the chess writings of a true chess
player and one of the people with the highest IQ ever recorded.
No, it is not your humble scribe, although it would be an honest
assumption by my readers of course. You are forgiven. Now on with the essay:
The Gentle Art of Annoying by Professor Donald MacMurray
“At the very outset let us examine the nature of chess. Chess is
the psychological rather than logical battle between two players. Be sure that
you never win a game of chess, but rather your opponent loses it. One way or
another, the one that blunders least or who’s mistakes are not seen or not as
hideous, will emerge victorious.
With this in mind, let us look at ways to make our opponent err.
The chess public needs is a method of winning
easily without first mastering the difficult and unnecessary technique of
making good moves.
To begin with, you must realize clearly that your principal object is to
disturb your opponent as much as possible in order to distract his attention
from the game. Of the numerous ways of accomplishing this, the easiest and most
common is talking.
Talking to annoy may be done in several ways. You may, for example, talk to
your opponent, either pointing out bad moves to him, or making any other
misleading remark about the position. If your opponent so much as comes near to
touching a piece it is always disconcerting to say sternly 'Touch--move.' If
this involves you in an argument with him, so much the better for your chances
of upsetting his train of thought.
An example from actual experience will serve to demonstrate the practicability
of this piece of advice. Several years ago, in the interscholastic championship
tournament in New York, there arose an endgame position where White, who was on
the defensive, had only one way of saving the game, to wit, by pushing a
certain Pawn. He permitted his hand to hover over the Pawn, without touching
it, whereupon Black cried gleefully, 'You touched it!' White denied the charge
vigorously, and, when the referee finally decided the fight in his favor,
triumphantly proceeded to move another piece, thus losing the game.
You may also talk to the kibitzers, preferably discussing the previous game
with them so heatedly that you draw your opponent into the argument, and so
take his mind completely off whatever he was considering.
If you like, you may talk to yourself. Every chess club boasts at least one
genius of the talk-to-yourself school. Curiously enough, the favorite method of
these experts is the recitation of nonsense rhymes. One of the most prominent
American professionals has confided to me that about half of his yearly income
is derived from the recitation, at critical points in his games, of ‘Mary Had a
Little Lamb’.
Another ready means of annoying which you have at your disposal is music. There
are several different ways of employing music for this purpose. If you are a
timid player, you may try humming, which is the most unobtrusive of the lot,
and the least likely to call forth rebuke, but which, when raised to high pitch
and accompanied by the gestures of a conductor, will throw your opponent
entirely off his game.
As your courage waxes, you will find a shrill, piercing whistle more effective
than even the most artistic humming. The tune must be one far too difficult to
be whistled correctly, so that it will sound at best like an undecided
peanut-roaster.
Finally, being carried away by the beauty of your noises, you may break into
full song, accompanying yourself as before, with appropriate gestures, or else
by tapping in time with your feet.
If you do not happen to be musically inclined, you will still find a big field
open to you in drumming and tapping, either with hands or feet. This is one of
the best ways known to induce your opponent to make a hasty move and is favored
by nearly all of the masters who have no confidence in their singing voices.
Other great resources which you possess are coughing, sneezing, and blowing
your nose during the progress of the game. These are to be used freely,
especially during the wintertime, both as a general distraction and to instill
in you adversary the fear of germs.
Similarly, when your opponent does not move quickly enough to suit you (and if
you are a right-minded chess-player, this should be nearly all the time), you
should first heave a sigh, then yawn and look at your watch, and finally groan
mournfully.
A large class of nuisances not yet touched upon comprises those which aim at
distracting the visual attention of the enemy. Of these, the one most highly
sanctioned for your adoption is the system of blowing smoke rings across the
board. This is useful, not only because it obscures the position, but also because
it will surely get into your opponent's eyes or choke him, and thus put him
completely at your mercy.
Another annoyance of this type is adjusting pieces which you would like your
opponent to take, or else pieces which are on the other side of the board from
where your threat is.
If you habitually rest your head on your hand, be certain to keep your elbow
constantly on the edge of the board, shifting its position from time to time so
as to be always concealing under it at least two or three important squares.
As the evening wears on, you may resort to stretching, in doing which you
should take care to fling at least one arm all the way across the board.
Whenever you have what you think is a fairly good position, rock your chair
back and forth on its hind legs, assuming meanwhile a complacent attitude, with
your thumbs in your vest-pockets, as much as to say, 'Why do you not resign,
you duffer?'
There is only one more kind of disturbance worth mentioning. Although it is
infrequent of occurrence, and, when it does happen, it is entirely accidental,
it is as upsetting as anything else.
It is making a strong move."
